Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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