Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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