everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
