I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
