When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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