Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
