Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
50% drunk capacity currently
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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