Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
