i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
