I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
