i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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