just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
