Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
