Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
