When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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