Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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