Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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