she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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