Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
