your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
