The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
