There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
