A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
