So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Semen is not good for contacts.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
