just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
