I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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