I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
