between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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