So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
