Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
