Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
