Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
