Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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