oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
