my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Are we still banned from the library?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
