dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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