I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
