so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Congratulations! We have a period
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