20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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