i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
