I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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