I can text with my tongue
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
