Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
