You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
