no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She made me pour olive oil on her.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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