dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
