Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
