Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
