I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
