Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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