Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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