the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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