omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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